we were pregnant. only 7 weeks along but i've known since we were barely 4 weeks and we were in love. i had a dream sunday night...a dream that i took a pregnancy test and it rendered those dreaded words "not pregnant." it freaked me out...i woke up in a cold sweat and actually took a pregnancy test because the dream seemed so real. the test told me what i'd known for 3 weeks...we were pregnant. silly me, silly dream, pphheeww...everything was going to be ok. until it wasnt - until i was sitting at work on monday and realized the on and off bleeding i'd been experiencing was no longer spotting but full on bleeding. i'd bled my ENTIRE pregnancy with addie...i had no reason to think this was going to be any different so i naively assumed that my bleeding was just my body...not any indication that anything was really wrong. and then other things happened...mild cramping...heavy bleeding....something was wrong. i called my doc who told me go to the ER...they would have the answers. so...i went...all the while holding on to every crazy thought i could...maybe i was pregnant with twins and losing one but still had one healthy baby thriving...or maybe i had a subchronic bleed....or maybe this had something to do with anything...anything other than a miscarriage. the er visit was a blur....lots of blood work, internal examination, lots of questions, lots of hope, a ultrasound tech who wouldn't look at me and told me the doctor would give me the results when i asked if she saw anything...the list goes on. and then we got the news...there was not a viable pregnancy...that was it. in a matter of seconds i went from having all of the hope in the world to having nothing...no march baby...not this time. i was the 1 in 4...it was me. and it hurts...and i want to know why...an answer...anything. but deep down in know the reality of it is that an answer is something we will likely never get...as my doctor said this morning..."you can ask me any question but you can't ask me why...because we don't know."
going forward...time to heal...time for my body to heal...three more periods before we can start trying again...huh? because what i want...is my 7 week old baby growing and developing inside of me...not to be the person that people feel sorry for. its all so fresh...i've been trying to do everything not to think about it because when i do i break down...i'm also lucky...it could have been worse...much worse...if this was meant to be i am thankful that i wasn't further along...the emotional pain is hard but the physical pain is bearable. i'm not one to wish time away but i want this all to be over...the bleeding..the tears...the sense of failure...guilt.