Tuesday, July 31, 2012

when your bad dream becomes reality and you a statistic...

today I write to put it all out there...hoping this will help my healing....

we were pregnant.  only 7 weeks along but i've known since we were barely 4 weeks and we were in love.  i had a dream sunday night...a dream that i took a pregnancy test and it rendered those dreaded words "not pregnant."  it freaked me out...i woke up in a cold sweat and actually took a pregnancy test because the dream seemed so real.  the test told me what i'd known for 3 weeks...we were pregnant.  silly me, silly dream, pphheeww...everything was going to be ok.  until it wasnt - until i was sitting at work on monday and realized the on and off bleeding i'd been experiencing was no longer spotting but full on bleeding.  i'd bled my ENTIRE pregnancy with addie...i had no reason to think this was going to be any different so i naively assumed that my bleeding was just my body...not any indication that anything was really wrong.  and then other things happened...mild cramping...heavy bleeding....something was wrong.  i called my doc who told me go to the ER...they would have the answers.  so...i went...all the while holding on to every crazy thought i could...maybe i was pregnant with twins and losing one but still had one healthy baby thriving...or maybe i had a subchronic bleed....or maybe this had something to do with anything...anything other than a miscarriage.  the er visit was a blur....lots of blood work, internal examination, lots of questions, lots of hope, a ultrasound tech who wouldn't look at me and told me the doctor would give me the results when i asked if she saw anything...the list goes on.  and then we got the news...there was not a viable pregnancy...that was it.  in a matter of seconds i went from having all of the hope in the world to having nothing...no march baby...not this time.  i was the 1 in 4...it was me.  and it hurts...and i want to know why...an answer...anything.  but deep down in know the reality of it is that an answer is something we will likely never get...as my doctor said this morning..."you can ask me any question but you can't ask me why...because we don't know."  

going forward...time to heal...time for my body to heal...three more periods before we can start trying again...huh?  because what i want...is my 7 week old baby growing and developing inside of me...not to be the person that people feel sorry for.  its all so fresh...i've been trying to do everything not to think about it because when i do i break down...i'm also lucky...it could have been worse...much worse...if this was meant to be i am thankful that i wasn't further along...the emotional pain is hard but the physical pain is bearable.  i'm not one to wish time away but i want this all to be over...the bleeding..the tears...the sense of failure...guilt.

35 comments:

Megan said...

I am so sorry. I can not imagine going through that . You are strong and do not feel any guilt. I send my thought through this hard time and so much luck when you can try again.

Amber and Brian said...

I am so so sorry you have to go through this. I went through this not once, but twice. Yes it could be worse. But you're still allowed to mourn. Don't let anyone let you think otherwise. You still lost a baby even if it was "early on". It hurts, I know. ::::HUGS:::

Kelli Kegley said...

Oh, my heart literally dropped when I read this. I am SO sorry you are having to go through this. I know there are no words that can change anything, but please know I am praying for God's peace for you and your sweet family.

Susannah said...

I am so sorry. I understand-I've been there too and nothing anyone says will help, but we are all here thinking of you and praying for your speedy emotional and physical recovery.

Traci said...

Sorry to hear this. I've been there before too. Its a terrible feeling, it will get better but it takes some time. The emotional pain is far worse than the physical.

Erin said...

I have never experienced this and even if I had I'm not sure there would be right words. All I do know is that in life there is something in His plan that brings us to and through these tragic moments. Lifting prayers for you and your angel. Stay strong friend.

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

Same here...after a year of trying I miscarried at 10 weeks. I remember them telling us to wait 3 months but somehow the very next I was pregnant and she's 6 now. I always know that had I not miscarried, I wouldn't have my 6 year old. We'd have stopped after #2 and I'd have never met her. There IS a reason...even if the reason hurts.

Leah said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I've been there twice at 6 weeks and 12 and there is nothing that anyone can say right now to make things better. The only thing I can recommend is take the three months and heal. I spent so much time trying to get back what we lost, I lost sight of a lot that was going on around me. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

Laura @ My Thoughts-Uninterrupted said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I know how it feels to want a baby right now and not get it and it stinks. There really are no right words, but I will pray for you. I hope that you heal quickly both physically and emotionally and that God provides you with the answers and comfort that you need.

Tami said...

Oh my sweet friend, I just cried as I read this post. I am so very sorry for you and your darling little family.I know that there is nothing that I can say that will take away the pain but please know that I will be praying for y'all. Hugs to you.

Michelle said...

I am so, so sorry. We just experienced this a month ago and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I'm praying for you, feel free to send me a message if you ever want to talk/vent etc. My heart breaks for you.

Mrs EyeCanSee said...

My heart dropped when I read this. I am so sorry you have to go through this. That you have to be the 1 out of 4. I pray that with time you will heal and one day hold your forever baby in your arms. Hugs.

Kim Kauffman said...

So, so sorry. Praying for you.

Aishlea and Brandon said...

So sorry to hear this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Natalie said...

I am sooo sorry about this. I am sending you virtual hugs, and I know nothing I say will make it better. I just hope with time you heal.

Lindsey said...

Oh hun, I am so sorry. I miscarried at 7.5 weeks before having Connor. It still makes me sad even three years later.

I do want you to know that if you feel ready to try before three periods? Do so. I got pregnant with Connor my first cycle after miscarrying, which took 6 weeks to come.

Some things I remember from mine? The time right before I did get my period was awful emotionally. I think all the hormones swirling in my body just made me lose it. I had a breakdown. I feel like the period explained it.

Seeing other pregnant women will be hard, especially as announcements are made in the future. To be jealous? Totally normal. Don't let yourself think otherwise. It is human nature. When your due date comes it will be hard as well. That is normal too.

I just want you to know you are in my thoughts in prayers. It sucks that any woman has to go through this and my heart aches knowing that you have to. Hang in there!

Katie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying that you find healing and peace. Thank you for sharing your story.

Brittney said...

My heart hurts for you. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

mrs.mfc said...

I am so so sorry that you're going through this. It is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I wish nobody ever had to experience it. I will definitely be thinking about you. Hugs

Ashley said...

I am so sorry. My reproductive system has put me through the ringer and the are just no worse feelings. I'll be thinking of you.

Kat said...

I'm so so sorry. I really can't think of anything else to say here.

Our Happy Married Life... said...

ahhh, i'm so so so sorry! hugs!

Melissa at Tall Blonde Blog said...

My heart aches for you friend, I'm so sorry.

Know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you heal.

Hang in there. Hugs.

Amber said...

Oh honey, I am so, so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. We'll be praying for you and your family, and I hope you are one day able to heal from this.

Lucy The Valiant said...

I am so, so sorry.

Joeylee said...

I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you must be going through but I'll be praying for you and your sweet family.

Samantha said...

Oh, sweetie I am SO sorry! I cannot imagine what you are having to go through right now. Stay strong. I'm thinking of you guys! xo

Faith said...

i had to catch up this monday and am so sad this is one of my reads today. i am so so so very sorry this happened and am keeping you guys in our prayers!!! be strong, hang in there, God has a purpose for everything!

Kay Holt said...

I am so so sorry to hear this news. I hope you can find comfort it the coming weeks and will start to heal. I have been there...a early miscarriage. Praying for you and your husband.

Beach Bum & Baby said...

Oh J. I am so sorry. I haven't been over to read this and comment. I love you so much and I'm 100% here for y'all. Sending hugs and prayers.

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

My heart aches for you! I am so sorry! Sending you lots of virtual hugs!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

first of all, i am so, so sorry you're going through this. as someone who has been through that loss multiple times, it never gets easier. take the time to feel the loss and grieve girl. it's hard. and you have every right to be upset. but then don't let it shake you too much to try again. because it will work next time :) i wish i could give you a big hug hon...

Happiness Is... said...

Friend, I have been MIA with the launch of my new moms blog, but I had a miscarriage in the fall and am so very sorry for your loss. I have a lot of resources/articles/scripture that helped me heal, but this is a really hard thing to go through and I am very sorry that you are experiencing it. I hate to say I understand, but I do. And I am so very sorry. Let me know if you need to talk.

Cajun Cowgirl said...

I'm so sorry sweet friend! I wish I had the right words of support but can only say that I've been there and I know your pain. Unfortunately, so many of us are in the "club" it seems. So many of us are the 1 in 4. I wouldn't wish it for anyone. I don't understand it. But I'm here for you if you need anything. I admire you for talking about it here. I think it can bring healing and support and there is a community out there that is praying for you and your sweet family.

[diane] said...

I'm so sorry this happened. My bestie went through this more than once and I've never seen someone so hurt, heartbroken. She has two beautiful children now. She'll always remember those she lost but her story has a happy ending. I know yours will too!