Wednesday, July 31, 2013

1 year later

It's hard to believe it's been a year since I published this day after suffering a miscarriage.  Everyone told me...and deep down I knew...that in time things would get easier.  And it has...but I'd be lying if I said I don't still wonder why it happened and that it doesn't hurt.  There are flashes of memories from those days that I remember...the dr putting his hands on my knees as I sat on the table in the ultrasound room telling me that I could ask any question I wanted except "why," because he didn't know...the hugs and support from my co-workers as I walked back into work after my appointment, eyes filled with tears and then my boss sending me home because (and he was right) burying myself in work wasn't going to make anything better...the relief and joy i felt when my very best friend called to tell me that she was pregnant with her first and was due in march (about a week before i would have been due) because we all know that if we have to be the 1 in 4 we'd love to be able to pick the other 3.  But, having my sweet Kate and looking at her beautiful face every day reminds me that everything does happen for a reason and that there is a master plan.  "God doesn't close one door without opening another...but sometimes it's hell in the hallways."  For me...for us...getting pregnant again certainly made things easier and when my doctor gave me the go ahead at a follow-up appointment a few weeks after the miscarriage we started trying right away.  Things happened pretty quickly and while the first trimester was anxiety-ridden, my focus on the pregnancy certainly helped dull the pain of our loss.  I must admit though...the hubs and I...when we talk about whether or not we will try for baby #3...this is the first thing that comes up...S can't bear to think that we might go through this again...and honestly, I feel the same.  I remember thinking when we found out we were pregnant with Kate that I simply could not bear losing another baby....I'd be done...perfectly content with just having Addie.  Without a doubt, having a miscarriage proved to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but thanks to the wonderful support of my family and friends I got through it...and a year later I sit here staring at my sweet baby girl knowing that without the miscarriage she wouldn't be here and I just can't imagine having anyone but her.

Thank you all for your wonderful support last year....I can't even begin to express how much all of the e-mails and comments meant and how much they helped.  The stories and encouragement everyone offered helped me stop the self-pity and trust that everything happens for a reason and that in time things would get easier.


Michelle said...

I am so glad that you have your sweet rainbow baby Kate. What a sweet reminder of God's faithfulness. I've never heard that quote about closed doors but I love it. Our miscarriage last June was the hardest thing I've even gone through and there are days I still struggle. But I can't imagine not having Michael in our lives and I am so grateful for this blessing!!

Natalie said...

I'm so glad you have sweet baby Kate but I understand you still feel your previous loss. And how could you not? We're always here for you!

Cajun Cowgirl said...

I am so grateful for your continued healing and what a blessing both Kate and Addie are! I understand how you feel about being scared to get pregnant again. I'm with ya!