It's hard to believe it's been a year since I published this post...one day after suffering a miscarriage. Everyone told me...and deep down I knew...that in time things would get easier. And it has...but I'd be lying if I said I don't still wonder why it happened and that it doesn't hurt. There are flashes of memories from those days that I remember...the dr putting his hands on my knees as I sat on the table in the ultrasound room telling me that I could ask any question I wanted except "why," because he didn't know...the hugs and support from my co-workers as I walked back into work after my appointment, eyes filled with tears and then my boss sending me home because (and he was right) burying myself in work wasn't going to make anything better...the relief and joy i felt when my very best friend called to tell me that she was pregnant with her first and was due in march (about a week before i would have been due) because we all know that if we have to be the 1 in 4 we'd love to be able to pick the other 3. But, having my sweet Kate and looking at her beautiful face every day reminds me that everything does happen for a reason and that there is a master plan. "God doesn't close one door without opening another...but sometimes it's hell in the hallways." For me...for us...getting pregnant again certainly made things easier and when my doctor gave me the go ahead at a follow-up appointment a few weeks after the miscarriage we started trying right away. Things happened pretty quickly and while the first trimester was anxiety-ridden, my focus on the pregnancy certainly helped dull the pain of our loss. I must admit though...the hubs and I...when we talk about whether or not we will try for baby #3...this is the first thing that comes up...S can't bear to think that we might go through this again...and honestly, I feel the same. I remember thinking when we found out we were pregnant with Kate that I simply could not bear losing another baby....I'd be done...perfectly content with just having Addie. Without a doubt, having a miscarriage proved to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but thanks to the wonderful support of my family and friends I got through it...and a year later I sit here staring at my sweet baby girl knowing that without the miscarriage she wouldn't be here and I just can't imagine having anyone but her.
Thank you all for your wonderful support last year....I can't even begin to express how much all of the e-mails and comments meant and how much they helped. The stories and encouragement everyone offered helped me stop the self-pity and trust that everything happens for a reason and that in time things would get easier.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Kate's birth story...part II
Ok, so where I left off...begging the doctor to induce me. I mean..I didn't beg - but I was fully prepared to. If you missed part I, you can read it here.
After finding out Tuesday morning that I would be induced on Thursday but would need to arrive Wednesday night for cervical ripening (I was 2cm dilated but only about 50% effaced) anxiety was building. Leaving the doctors office was a bit of a blur...they handed me a slip with some directions for when to arrive and what was involved with an induction....and explained that Cytotec would be used for my cervical ripening...not Cervidil and then they would break my water in the morning and Pitocin would follow. Normally, I would have researched the living you know what out of this...but I hadn't....I was totally unprepared. I just figured they would bring me in Thursday morning and break my water and give me some pitocin and we would have a baby by dinner...cervical ripening was not something I thought they would need to do. So, I had about 36 hours to figure out what Cytotec was and if I was ok with it...dr. google to the rescue...or not. HORROR STORIES....seriously, y'all....bad stuff on the internet about Cytotec. Words like uterine rupture, hemorrhaging, placental abruption...even death...just horrible awful things. I was terrified...but I read and read and read...determined to get to the bottom of what the truth was. I don't know if I got there...but I got comfortable enough not to call off the induction...which I was fully prepared to do. I'm no doctor...but if you're wondering how I got comfortable...here it is: almost all of the horror stories I read involved doses of 50-100+mcg being given to women to induce labor. My doctor would only be administering a 25mcg dose..with full monitoring...and from what I could find - this seemed to do a nice job of preparing women for labor to begin.
Fast forward to Wednesday morning...I was feeling a ton of anxiety...as evidenced by my inability to think about anything other than cleaning out my bathroom closet and refrigerator (literally the only 2 places I hadn't deep cleaned in the past 2 months thanks to my nesting instinct)...so I went to work and asked my boss if I could take a half day off to go home and get those things done before going to the hospital...call me crazy - its ok - i'm fully aware! He obliged...I got all of my "out of office" stuff set and said my good-byes and walked out feeling a little weird knowing I was "going to have a baby." I got my cleaning done...got Addie all packed to stay with my parents and anxiously awaited "go-time."
We dropped Addie at my parents...and that's when the anxiety and fear really started to take over...child birth is no walk in the park and I know there are risks. I was scared...scared if something happened Addie would suffer. I put it all to the back of my mind...kissed her and told her I loved her no less than a 1,000 times and told my parents we'd be in touch in the morning with news on how things were progressing...but not to worry, nothing would be happening tonight...it was just to get me ready for the morning.
We arrived at the hospital a little before our scheduled time and lugged our stuff up to labor and delivery. It was so surreal to go into the hospital knowing we wouldn't be sent home...we were simply arriving for our "its time to have your baby" time slot. We checked in and got sent down the hall to meet our l&d nurse and get settled in our room. I spied my doc as we were walking to meet our nurse and we waved....and a sense of calmness washed over me. Nurse Betsey was our l&d nurse and she showed us to our room...handed me a gown and asked me to get changed. Still a little nervous about the Cytotec induction...I figured Betsey would know best so I asked her her opinion. She said she'd seen it done a million times and actually had a Cytotec induction with one of her children and had no issues. This settled my nerves even more. She hooked me up to all of the monitors as asked if I had been having any contractions. Well...I had been feeling awfully crampy all afternoon and had felt some more substantial cramps in the car but chalked it up to being on my feet all afternoon frantically cleaning up those last minute things and not contractions. Contractions they were....4 minutes apart to be exact. YES!!! Maybe this meant we wouldn't need the induction after all and I could just labor on my own. Womp...womp...womp...after a cervical check...there was no change from my last doctor's appointment so she checked with my doc and he decided he still wanted to proceed with the cytotec. The nurse warned that the cytotec might increase the intensity and frequency of the contractions...but no dice...I felt no change. And after about 15 minutes of being on one side I really wanted out of the bed. I was so uncomfortable...but I knew I had to stay put for 2 hours for the Cytotec to do what it needed to do. The nurse came in an offered up some Ambien to help me get some sleep...I politely declined...but as soon as the 2 hours was up I was eager to get out of bed. She let me but only to go to the bathroom....insert a really angry face here. "Only to go to the bathroom"??? You mean...I can't walk around and take the pressure off my hips (since laying flat on my back was out)...oh dear god, I'll never make it. I figured my best bet was to just try and get some sleep...it was almost 1am and while the anxiety and excitement of Kate's arrival and painful pressure on my hips was making it hard to sleep...I figured I'd better try. We turned the TV off and the lights down and settled in...until about 5 minutes later when I felt a pop and then a trickle....
**I understand that inductions are controversial...as is the use of Cytotec. I am simply documenting my story for my own memories and firmly believe that every woman needs to make her own decisions based on what she believes to be best for her. I am not a doctor or a medical professional and what I have documented above is not meant to encourage or discourage anyone to make the decisions I have**
After finding out Tuesday morning that I would be induced on Thursday but would need to arrive Wednesday night for cervical ripening (I was 2cm dilated but only about 50% effaced) anxiety was building. Leaving the doctors office was a bit of a blur...they handed me a slip with some directions for when to arrive and what was involved with an induction....and explained that Cytotec would be used for my cervical ripening...not Cervidil and then they would break my water in the morning and Pitocin would follow. Normally, I would have researched the living you know what out of this...but I hadn't....I was totally unprepared. I just figured they would bring me in Thursday morning and break my water and give me some pitocin and we would have a baby by dinner...cervical ripening was not something I thought they would need to do. So, I had about 36 hours to figure out what Cytotec was and if I was ok with it...dr. google to the rescue...or not. HORROR STORIES....seriously, y'all....bad stuff on the internet about Cytotec. Words like uterine rupture, hemorrhaging, placental abruption...even death...just horrible awful things. I was terrified...but I read and read and read...determined to get to the bottom of what the truth was. I don't know if I got there...but I got comfortable enough not to call off the induction...which I was fully prepared to do. I'm no doctor...but if you're wondering how I got comfortable...here it is: almost all of the horror stories I read involved doses of 50-100+mcg being given to women to induce labor. My doctor would only be administering a 25mcg dose..with full monitoring...and from what I could find - this seemed to do a nice job of preparing women for labor to begin.
Fast forward to Wednesday morning...I was feeling a ton of anxiety...as evidenced by my inability to think about anything other than cleaning out my bathroom closet and refrigerator (literally the only 2 places I hadn't deep cleaned in the past 2 months thanks to my nesting instinct)...so I went to work and asked my boss if I could take a half day off to go home and get those things done before going to the hospital...call me crazy - its ok - i'm fully aware! He obliged...I got all of my "out of office" stuff set and said my good-byes and walked out feeling a little weird knowing I was "going to have a baby." I got my cleaning done...got Addie all packed to stay with my parents and anxiously awaited "go-time."
We dropped Addie at my parents...and that's when the anxiety and fear really started to take over...child birth is no walk in the park and I know there are risks. I was scared...scared if something happened Addie would suffer. I put it all to the back of my mind...kissed her and told her I loved her no less than a 1,000 times and told my parents we'd be in touch in the morning with news on how things were progressing...but not to worry, nothing would be happening tonight...it was just to get me ready for the morning.
We arrived at the hospital a little before our scheduled time and lugged our stuff up to labor and delivery. It was so surreal to go into the hospital knowing we wouldn't be sent home...we were simply arriving for our "its time to have your baby" time slot. We checked in and got sent down the hall to meet our l&d nurse and get settled in our room. I spied my doc as we were walking to meet our nurse and we waved....and a sense of calmness washed over me. Nurse Betsey was our l&d nurse and she showed us to our room...handed me a gown and asked me to get changed. Still a little nervous about the Cytotec induction...I figured Betsey would know best so I asked her her opinion. She said she'd seen it done a million times and actually had a Cytotec induction with one of her children and had no issues. This settled my nerves even more. She hooked me up to all of the monitors as asked if I had been having any contractions. Well...I had been feeling awfully crampy all afternoon and had felt some more substantial cramps in the car but chalked it up to being on my feet all afternoon frantically cleaning up those last minute things and not contractions. Contractions they were....4 minutes apart to be exact. YES!!! Maybe this meant we wouldn't need the induction after all and I could just labor on my own. Womp...womp...womp...after a cervical check...there was no change from my last doctor's appointment so she checked with my doc and he decided he still wanted to proceed with the cytotec. The nurse warned that the cytotec might increase the intensity and frequency of the contractions...but no dice...I felt no change. And after about 15 minutes of being on one side I really wanted out of the bed. I was so uncomfortable...but I knew I had to stay put for 2 hours for the Cytotec to do what it needed to do. The nurse came in an offered up some Ambien to help me get some sleep...I politely declined...but as soon as the 2 hours was up I was eager to get out of bed. She let me but only to go to the bathroom....insert a really angry face here. "Only to go to the bathroom"??? You mean...I can't walk around and take the pressure off my hips (since laying flat on my back was out)...oh dear god, I'll never make it. I figured my best bet was to just try and get some sleep...it was almost 1am and while the anxiety and excitement of Kate's arrival and painful pressure on my hips was making it hard to sleep...I figured I'd better try. We turned the TV off and the lights down and settled in...until about 5 minutes later when I felt a pop and then a trickle....
**I understand that inductions are controversial...as is the use of Cytotec. I am simply documenting my story for my own memories and firmly believe that every woman needs to make her own decisions based on what she believes to be best for her. I am not a doctor or a medical professional and what I have documented above is not meant to encourage or discourage anyone to make the decisions I have**
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Kate's birth story - part 1
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| my 35.5 week belly profile |
Aside from the subchorionic hematoma, my pregnancy was rather uneventful. I had alot of friends ask me if this was one was different from my pregnancy with Addie...and it really was in a lot of ways...most notably was the feeling I got this time around at right about 30 weeks..."I don't think I can make it another 10 weeks..." I, along with alot of my friends and family, convinced ourselves that there was absolutely no way this baby was going to term...bets were made...most with Miss Kate arriving at least 2 weeks in advance of her due date. I was feeling so much....uumm, should we just say "pressure" that there were days I thought she might just drop out of me. From about 35 weeks on, I had all sorts of labor symptoms...something I never really had with Addie (who was a week and a half early)...and by the time I went in for my first appointment that involved "the check"...I was sure the doc would be preparing me for imminent delivery.
So, I say all of that to say this....I WAS WRONG....really wrong. My gut failed me this time...that first "check" revealed that I was dilated but Miss Kate...no interest in engaging...was so far up the doc wanted to do an ultrasound to determine if her head was in fact down (which it was). With each passing week, I hoped for something...anything...progress. But with each passing week there wasn't much change to discuss. I was also informed about half-way through my pregnancy that my doctors were not on call every weekend...meaning if I went into labor over the weekend there was a decent chance I might not know the doctor delivering me...cue the mild panic attack on my end. I understand that many believe they are just there to "play catch" but after some minor complications with Addie's birth...I wanted one of my doctors to deliver me...no thanks to the stranger option. So...with the Memorial Day weekend approaching and "a stranger on-call"...I was leary and had convinced myself that this would be when miss kate would decide to arrive. I knew I could probably convince the doctor to induce me prior to the weekend but I really wanted to wait it out and with "the stranger's" name in hand...I did some research and read his patient's reviews and decided I would chance it through the weekend. Much to my surprise, the weekend came and went...no baby. As relieved as I was we had survived another weekend without one of my docs on call...I was also at a loss as to when kate would arrive. I know...I know...I hadn't even reached my due date yet and I should totally have been at ease knowing that we hadn't missed anything but remember...I, along with almost everyone else I knew were convinced that this baby would be early. So, my appointment that week was on Tuesday and when the doc asked "So, when are we having this baby..." as he breezed through the door of the exam room...I could hardly get out "whenever you are ready to induce me" fast enough. Yep, I said it..."induce me"....I know....some of you are shaking your finger at me right now...it's not a choice I ever thought I would make...but after 10 weeks of hardly sleeping through the night...pressure....oh, the pressure....and more comments that I can count concerning "when will she be here"....i was ready. After a quick call by the nurse over to the hospital...my induction was set for the next evening...and then the real panic set in....
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Introducing...
Katherine Margaret "Kate"
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| photo courtesy of mom365 |
May 30, 2013
6:04AM
9lbs 5oz
21 inches
birth story to come...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
the details and a confession
Thank you ALL so much for your sweet comments....I feel so relieved to finally be able to put it out there!!! I've been MIA partly because I was at a lost for what to blog about with everything going through my mind being pregnancy related (not to mention my usual blogging hours have been consumed by my need to go to sleep no later than 8:30pm) and the other part is just how busy life has been.
I'm a self admitted type-a personality..."go with the flow" doesn't really fit my personality (not that i don't wish it did)...so as you can imagine all of the unknowns of pregnancy turn this girl into a complete stress ball. Oh, and confession - I'm also an admitted POS addict...thank goodness for the dollar store tests...otherwise I'm pretty sure we'd be broke from my excessive pregnancy test purchasing. So suffice it to say....the minute we could know....i knew. From 3.5 weeks on I've known this baby was in the making but after the miscarriage this summer we decided that mum was the word and even announcing at 15 weeks (via instagram and our christmas card shown here) left me feeling pretty vulnerable.
But here we are....16 weeks along and while this pregnancy has not been without its issues (saving this for another post but I have a subchorionic hematoma that's kept us on edge) we feel so lucky and blessed to be this far along and are eagerly awaiting the arrival of this precious bundle of joy in May!!!
If you're wondering how I broke the news to my hubs...I let Addie do all of the work. I had a big sister shirt that I let her brag about to her daddy (complete with "hey dadda, look at my shirt!"). His reaction was surprise but guarded...as expected!
I've been feeling pretty good...this pregnancy pretty much resembles that of my first...no morning sickness, lots of tiredness, and extreme hunger and food cravings (hot foods and salty foods have been my weakness this go round). I'm still barely fitting into some of my larger size work clothes but everything else is all maternity!! I sleep pretty well at night...other than getting up to pee at least once and thankfully the hot flashes that seemed to plague me the first 14 weeks have subsided (totally scared of menopause now). I'm trying to take it all in and enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can...I'm starting to feel some small little flutters down there and now that some second trimester energy is showing up I'm starting to make nursery plans.
In case you're wondering...Addie has taken the news in stride. She can point to where the baby is in my belly but really isn't interested in talking much else about this "baby" thats in momma's belly. I know that will all change once the baby is here:)
Ok...so I know, this is a random post with some details scattered in...I just feel like I don't even know where to start with 16 weeks to catch up on....but in short - we are beyond thrilled that baby #2 is on the way...another miracle in the making:)
I'm a self admitted type-a personality..."go with the flow" doesn't really fit my personality (not that i don't wish it did)...so as you can imagine all of the unknowns of pregnancy turn this girl into a complete stress ball. Oh, and confession - I'm also an admitted POS addict...thank goodness for the dollar store tests...otherwise I'm pretty sure we'd be broke from my excessive pregnancy test purchasing. So suffice it to say....the minute we could know....i knew. From 3.5 weeks on I've known this baby was in the making but after the miscarriage this summer we decided that mum was the word and even announcing at 15 weeks (via instagram and our christmas card shown here) left me feeling pretty vulnerable.
But here we are....16 weeks along and while this pregnancy has not been without its issues (saving this for another post but I have a subchorionic hematoma that's kept us on edge) we feel so lucky and blessed to be this far along and are eagerly awaiting the arrival of this precious bundle of joy in May!!!
If you're wondering how I broke the news to my hubs...I let Addie do all of the work. I had a big sister shirt that I let her brag about to her daddy (complete with "hey dadda, look at my shirt!"). His reaction was surprise but guarded...as expected!
I've been feeling pretty good...this pregnancy pretty much resembles that of my first...no morning sickness, lots of tiredness, and extreme hunger and food cravings (hot foods and salty foods have been my weakness this go round). I'm still barely fitting into some of my larger size work clothes but everything else is all maternity!! I sleep pretty well at night...other than getting up to pee at least once and thankfully the hot flashes that seemed to plague me the first 14 weeks have subsided (totally scared of menopause now). I'm trying to take it all in and enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can...I'm starting to feel some small little flutters down there and now that some second trimester energy is showing up I'm starting to make nursery plans.
In case you're wondering...Addie has taken the news in stride. She can point to where the baby is in my belly but really isn't interested in talking much else about this "baby" thats in momma's belly. I know that will all change once the baby is here:)
Ok...so I know, this is a random post with some details scattered in...I just feel like I don't even know where to start with 16 weeks to catch up on....but in short - we are beyond thrilled that baby #2 is on the way...another miracle in the making:)
Friday, December 14, 2012
from our home to yours....and a little surprise
wishing everyone a very happy holiday season!!! and yes, we are pregnant!!! 16 weeks along and I'm hoping to catch up with some posts with all of the details soon. this little one is due may 30, 2013 and i cannot thank all of you enough for all of your support and encouraging words this summer!!
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