1 year later

It's hard to believe it's been a year since I published this post...one day after suffering a miscarriage.  Everyone told me...and deep down I knew...that in time things would get easier.  And it has...but I'd be lying if I said I don't still wonder why it happened and that it doesn't hurt.  There are flashes of memories from those days that I remember...the dr putting his hands on my knees as I sat on the table in the ultrasound room telling me that I could ask any question I wanted except "why," because he didn't know...the hugs and support from my co-workers as I walked back into work after my appointment, eyes filled with tears and then my boss sending me home because (and he was right) burying myself in work wasn't going to make anything better...the relief and joy i felt when my very best friend called to tell me that she was pregnant with her first and was due in march (about a week before i would have been due) because we all know that if we have to be the 1 in 4 we'd love to be able to pick the other 3.  But, having my sweet Kate and looking at her beautiful face every day reminds me that everything does happen for a reason and that there is a master plan.  "God doesn't close one door without opening another...but sometimes it's hell in the hallways."  For me...for us...getting pregnant again certainly made things easier and when my doctor gave me the go ahead at a follow-up appointment a few weeks after the miscarriage we started trying right away.  Things happened pretty quickly and while the first trimester was anxiety-ridden, my focus on the pregnancy certainly helped dull the pain of our loss.  I must admit though...the hubs and I...when we talk about whether or not we will try for baby #3...this is the first thing that comes up...S can't bear to think that we might go through this again...and honestly, I feel the same.  I remember thinking when we found out we were pregnant with Kate that I simply could not bear losing another baby....I'd be done...perfectly content with just having Addie.  Without a doubt, having a miscarriage proved to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but thanks to the wonderful support of my family and friends I got through it...and a year later I sit here staring at my sweet baby girl knowing that without the miscarriage she wouldn't be here and I just can't imagine having anyone but her.

Thank you all for your wonderful support last year....I can't even begin to express how much all of the e-mails and comments meant and how much they helped.  The stories and encouragement everyone offered helped me stop the self-pity and trust that everything happens for a reason and that in time things would get easier.

thank you and Addie's 22 month update

I first wanted to thank everyone from the very bottom of my heart for all of the uplifting comments and emails.  This has been without doubt one of the toughest experiences I've been through and blogging about what happened really helped me get into words where my mind was at....but the comments and emails that followed...that's what helped me get through the week.  If you've never been there its not easy to know what to say and if you have...reading someone else's story and reliving your own is painful too...so thank you, for reading...for supporting me...it's meant more than I could ever express in words.  Each day has been better...I've ironed....alot.  I don't particularly enjoy that chore but it's been better than sitting and thinking.  Addie's 2nd birthday planning (which this update has kindly reminded me is only 2 months way....sheesh) and her toddler room designing has been in full swing.  Distraction is necessary.

Here is Addie's 22 month update....crazytown that she is almost 2!

and in good fun - while watching the horse jumping in the olympics yesterday addie told me she wanted a horse.  Thats a pretty big birthday request if you ask me...but I'm marking yesterday as the FIRST time Addie asked for a horse;)

in the mean time...these guys will have to do...

when your bad dream becomes reality and you a statistic...

today I write to put it all out there...hoping this will help my healing....

we were pregnant.  only 7 weeks along but i've known since we were barely 4 weeks and we were in love.  i had a dream sunday night...a dream that i took a pregnancy test and it rendered those dreaded words "not pregnant."  it freaked me out...i woke up in a cold sweat and actually took a pregnancy test because the dream seemed so real.  the test told me what i'd known for 3 weeks...we were pregnant.  silly me, silly dream, pphheeww...everything was going to be ok.  until it wasnt - until i was sitting at work on monday and realized the on and off bleeding i'd been experiencing was no longer spotting but full on bleeding.  i'd bled my ENTIRE pregnancy with addie...i had no reason to think this was going to be any different so i naively assumed that my bleeding was just my body...not any indication that anything was really wrong.  and then other things happened...mild cramping...heavy bleeding....something was wrong.  i called my doc who told me go to the ER...they would have the answers.  so...i went...all the while holding on to every crazy thought i could...maybe i was pregnant with twins and losing one but still had one healthy baby thriving...or maybe i had a subchronic bleed....or maybe this had something to do with anything...anything other than a miscarriage.  the er visit was a blur....lots of blood work, internal examination, lots of questions, lots of hope, a ultrasound tech who wouldn't look at me and told me the doctor would give me the results when i asked if she saw anything...the list goes on.  and then we got the news...there was not a viable pregnancy...that was it.  in a matter of seconds i went from having all of the hope in the world to having nothing...no march baby...not this time.  i was the 1 in 4...it was me.  and it hurts...and i want to know why...an answer...anything.  but deep down in know the reality of it is that an answer is something we will likely never get...as my doctor said this morning..."you can ask me any question but you can't ask me why...because we don't know."  

going forward...time to heal...time for my body to heal...three more periods before we can start trying again...huh?  because what i want...is my 7 week old baby growing and developing inside of me...not to be the person that people feel sorry for.  its all so fresh...i've been trying to do everything not to think about it because when i do i break down...i'm also lucky...it could have been worse...much worse...if this was meant to be i am thankful that i wasn't further along...the emotional pain is hard but the physical pain is bearable.  i'm not one to wish time away but i want this all to be over...the bleeding..the tears...the sense of failure...guilt.